Leah’s Story - Fentanyl and Life on the Streets
Leah’s addiction escalated. One day, when she and her family couldn’t find any drugs, her uncle brought a new pill – a dark green, almost black fentanyl tablet.
“I was a bit scared of it because it was almost black, mixed with some kind of sediment, and we all snorted it. That’s all it took. I was hooked. From then on, that’s all I wanted. That’s all I was looking for, and all my money was going to fentanyl, and my life was completely out of control.”
Leah continued falling into the wrong crowds. It was easy for her to get high whenever she wanted. She also felt the weight of guilt because people around her were dying from drugs. “Because I had a license, I was the one driving to and from Calgary. For payment, I had access to the drug. And sometimes I would have my own money because I started selling too, so I just had access all the time. I was so empty inside. In the mornings, I would wake up, and the first thing I did was get high. It would get me going for the day. That was my life now, every day the same thing.”
The family was still living together, and Leah’s sister had a baby. Despite this, the family environment didn’t change. “Even with the baby, it just wasn’t enough for us to do better, to sober up. And my sister got tired of it and left for Calgary to live at her mother-in-law’s house with the baby and his father. We were devastated.”
Leah’s dad was a wildland firefighter. During the summers, he would be gone, leaving Leah and her mom alone. “It was getting scary. Sometimes I was afraid to wake up, thinking I’d find my mom gone, or that I might not wake up. If something happened to either one of us, or both of us, nobody would find us for weeks.”
Leah realized how much drugs had taken over her life and that she was tired of it. She missed her nephew and tried to convince her mom to pack up and go to Calgary with her. “I told her we’d go and sober up.”
They did leave for Calgary, and Leah did well for a short while. She continued to take acetaminophen and Gravol and told herself she wasn’t doing anything too harsh.
Things got better briefly. Leah and her mom went to her sister’s and stopped using. “My sister allowed us to do this. I think she was glad that we were trying. And if that’s what it took, she wanted to be that person for us.”
But then Leah’s mom, suffering from cirrhosis, was in constant pain. Seeing her in this condition pushed Leah back toward using. “It was so hard to see her in pain, it was killing me. I always took care of her, and I could see that she was close to the end of life. She was yellow, her eyes were yellow. She was so sick.”
One night, Leah ended up in jail again. When she called her mom, she could tell her mom was high. “I kept telling her to take it easy. I even tried to guilt her by asking her to save me some because I would be sick by the time I got out.”
Later that night, Leah was released from jail and spotted the last train leaving. She ran to catch it but missed it. Afraid to stay downtown, Leah walked to their Westbrook home. That morning her grandmother was overdosing, and her mom had passed out on top of her while trying to give her CPR. Leah called out for her sister who was still sleeping. “The ambulance was called, and the paramedics were working on my grandma, and my sister helped my mom to bed.”
Leah doesn’t remember what happened after that. “I think I blacked out.” Leah’s grandmother who had been taken to the hospital ended up being okay, but when Leah’s dad came home and checked on her mom, he realized she had overdosed and passed away. Leah didn’t know what to do. “My mom was my everything. Everything I did was for her.”
“I started getting introduced to more people here in Calgary, the wrong kind of people like drug dealers and these people were my people for a very long time.” It had been a couple of months since Leah’s mom passed away and she was inconsolably grieving. That’s when she met the man who would become her common law partner. He stuck by her, he took care of her. Leah was convinced her mom had sent him.
Leah’s rheumatoid arthritis worsened. “There were times my left knee was the size of a balloon, and they had to drain it. I was always either in emergency rooms or living at train stations.”
“I was at my wits’ end. I tried so hard, and each time I went to jail, I had high hopes that I could stay sober when I got out. But when I’d get out, I’d see the same people and there were no safety nets. No support system to encourage me. That’s what was missing most of my life – some kind of outreach or support system with people showing me the way, giving me resources to give me a chance for sobriety.”
Without support, Leah relapsed repeatedly. The drugs on the streets were getting worse. “I don’t even know how many times I overdosed, but it’s got to be at least a hundred times. There were times I didn’t even know I overdosed. The only telltale would be the bruises and needle marks on my legs from getting Narcan.”
Through it all, her common-law partner stuck by her, urging her to get help. Her dad also encouraged her to seek a better life. “Don’t you want a better life, Leah? Don’t you want something more than this?”
But Leah felt broken. She didn’t care how, or if, she would make it to the next day.
In the next post, we’ll follow Leah as she reaches her breaking point, survives a near-fatal overdose, and begins her journey toward recovery.